Trip home log, 3:38 pm. My grandmother sees my nap on the couch as an opportunity to de-fuzz my favorite sweater. Earlier, she told me very subtly that she didn’t care for its appearance when she asked if I stole it from a homeless person. She has a little buzzing machine that apparently cures this hobo look by eating the fuzzballs and decided to use it while I slept off the 13 cookies she fed me for breakfast cause I’m too skinny. While endless cookies and a skilled laundress at my disposal are an absolute treat, I would like to point out that I was also wearing the sweater when she decided to run this vibrating mass along my spine, causing me to awaken in a panic.
Ah the holidays, full of so much cheer and wonder and alcoholism and lectures about your life choices. When I was a kid I won a radio contest by writing an essay on all the things I loved about Christmas. I don’t love any of those things anymore. Christmas for adults can really suck, all the running around and trying to be cheery when the weather just makes you want to lay on the couch and bingewatch The Inbetweeners on Netflix all day long. So you get in your car 5 times a day and head towards places you don’t want to go to see people you don’t really like and what do you have to hear everywhere you go? Really crappy christmas carols. Whether on the radio in the car, on the overhead in the grocery stores or in the elevator at work, they are everywhere.
The first time you hear them they’re actually not terrible. You might tap your toe a little and sing a long and maybe even get the teensiest bit excited because you know their existence means that Christmas is coming. But if you’re like me, by the time December 10th rolls around, I am ready to snap if I hear another cheesy rendition of frosty the snowman. I adore Mariah Carey, and I especially like her ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ cover, but I friggin hate that song after I’ve heard it for the 43rd time this week. I really do love Christmas, I love volunteering around that time and seeing something as simple as a date on a calendar remind people to be kinder to one another. But holy hell do I hate the over saturation of christmas music during the holidays.
So today I’m going to share with you my two favorite non-traditional Christmas carols. These are usually the only 2 I can stand by the time Christmas actually rolls around. The first is a cover of ‘Fairytale of New York’ by No Use for A Name and it’s my favorite because who doesn’t love a carol that has lyrics like ‘you’re an old slut on junk’ in them? The second is only a short youtube video, but one that makes me laugh out loud whenever I watch it. It’s a beautiful performance of ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’ by the very classical singer/rapper known by small children everywhere as DMX. Please make sure you’re not drinking any hot beverages when viewing this, the hilarity in his ‘Unnnnnn!’ will make you spit whatever you’re drinking out.
Tonight I came downstairs before I went out, having carefully selected my most inoffensive outfit to wear. I had inspected it for threads, missing buttons, tears and swear words written anywhere on it and was confident it would be well received. My grandmother sat in her chair, eyed me like a cat and said ‘You still look like a scrup’. She has a thick Italian accent, so I said ‘Are you trying to call me a scrub or a screwup?’ She eyed me up again for another 10 seconds, grabbed my face, kissed me on the cheek and loudly declared ‘Both!’
Haha,Merry Christmas, y’all, from my family to yours.